I always imagined my life being extraordinarily ordinary. Growing up poor the things I dreamt about was having a stable career that was fulfilling, a partner I could count on, and all the stupid things that come with the white picket fence... The dog, the backyard, the 2.5 children, the mini-van, the soccer practices and theatre rehearsals. Being busy, but being happy.
I never anticipated infertility. Except maybe I did? Didn't I always say that I'd be the only person in my family that wouldn't be able to have kids? Either way, even if I did anticipate this hurdle... I never actually thought about life as kidless.
31 is drawing nearer and I'm having a much harder time with it than I ever did 30. When Drew and I lived in Galesburg, pre-dogs, we would take long walks after dinner and just talk about life and what we hoped from it. We always came to the same conclusion -- 35. 35 was supposed to be the year where we had the house and the kids and the financial stability. But thinking of that number now makes me want to throw up. And honestly, I hate myself a little these days. I hate that babies make me sad. I hate that I loathe seeing facebook pregnancy announcements. I hate that I can't just accept my fate and move on.
I don't know what else to say except for the fact that I'm feeling defeated. And this isn't how I imagined life by now. And it all hurts.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2016 in review
Normally I look forward to writing this post, but 2016 seemed to be a special kind of terror. While Drew and I are happy and healthy and in a good position in life, I still feel as if this year left us feeling unsatisfied.
2016 was certainly a year of transition. June was highly anticipated with my graduation but I think we both feel like it never slowed down after that. I'm disappointed to report that I have not opened my own practice yet, but instead dedicated time and energy to my current job as an Independent College Counselor and as my new job as a "Fashion Consultant" selling LuLaRoe. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing direct sales, let alone calling myself a fashion consultant. But here we are! And I really do love it! Just never thought of myself as a sales person.... Drew has been doing some traveling for work, did a lot of training programs and we'll be taking a trip to Connecticut in the next two weeks so he can work from that office and I can visit with my friends and family for my birthday.
2017 will be interesting and trying, I'm sure. On a lot of levels. As I brace for 30, we also sit with baited breath for a Trump presidency... All the while, wondering how this is real life and not just really bad TV. Additionally, we decided we needed to get started on our IVF journey sooner than anticipated because we didn't want my infertility to be treated as a pre-existing condition with the new administration, ultimately crushing our dreams of parenthood. But in that regard, we've been met with more positivity and light than not... So we are so, so grateful for for all of the love, support, and kindness we've gotten. And I continue to be grateful that we found this problem before we even really started trying for kids. Too many people face years of uncertainty and heartbreak before being diagnosed... We found out immediately, and as such, we were able to plan for the easiest way to get to our goal of parenthood. I'm terrified that this route may still come with a lot of grief and heartache, but so #blessed (sorry, had to!) to have the support network that we do. You guys are gold.
That's kind of it. Well in a nut shell anyway. 2016 wasn't all bad, but it definitely was funky. And not the kind I'd like to do over again and call interesting. Highlights included a re-routed trip to St. Lucia, graduation, trips to Chicago and just another year (the 10th, in fact) of being one half of my favorite couple in the world. Stay tuned for updates on Operation: Baby Flock, as we hope to have plenty for you as 2017 develops.
Let's bring on 30 and all the trials and tribulations that comes with it!
2016 was certainly a year of transition. June was highly anticipated with my graduation but I think we both feel like it never slowed down after that. I'm disappointed to report that I have not opened my own practice yet, but instead dedicated time and energy to my current job as an Independent College Counselor and as my new job as a "Fashion Consultant" selling LuLaRoe. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing direct sales, let alone calling myself a fashion consultant. But here we are! And I really do love it! Just never thought of myself as a sales person.... Drew has been doing some traveling for work, did a lot of training programs and we'll be taking a trip to Connecticut in the next two weeks so he can work from that office and I can visit with my friends and family for my birthday.
2017 will be interesting and trying, I'm sure. On a lot of levels. As I brace for 30, we also sit with baited breath for a Trump presidency... All the while, wondering how this is real life and not just really bad TV. Additionally, we decided we needed to get started on our IVF journey sooner than anticipated because we didn't want my infertility to be treated as a pre-existing condition with the new administration, ultimately crushing our dreams of parenthood. But in that regard, we've been met with more positivity and light than not... So we are so, so grateful for for all of the love, support, and kindness we've gotten. And I continue to be grateful that we found this problem before we even really started trying for kids. Too many people face years of uncertainty and heartbreak before being diagnosed... We found out immediately, and as such, we were able to plan for the easiest way to get to our goal of parenthood. I'm terrified that this route may still come with a lot of grief and heartache, but so #blessed (sorry, had to!) to have the support network that we do. You guys are gold.
That's kind of it. Well in a nut shell anyway. 2016 wasn't all bad, but it definitely was funky. And not the kind I'd like to do over again and call interesting. Highlights included a re-routed trip to St. Lucia, graduation, trips to Chicago and just another year (the 10th, in fact) of being one half of my favorite couple in the world. Stay tuned for updates on Operation: Baby Flock, as we hope to have plenty for you as 2017 develops.
Let's bring on 30 and all the trials and tribulations that comes with it!
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