I started to write this yesterday but I was exhausted and hungry and confused. I know that after writing this I will start to organize my thoughts and feelings, but I think yesterday I was attempting to write this passage for my friends and family and not for me. I was trying to get the message to you all that I'm fine and I'll make it through... and while I know that that's true, I also know I needed a little more time to be vulnerable. Not surprisingly, I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up and I felt like everything surrounding my bed was dangerous. The floor was lava and if I wanted to survive, I could only do so if I didn't leave my bed. That's what depression feels like sometimes for me. The worst is when I feel so incapable of leaving bed, but I'm not physically comfortable IN bed. But I did wake up, I found solid ground. I texted the people I needed to in order to be a responsible adult and let them know that I just couldn't fulfill my adult duties today (internship). I had a good shower cry. I explained to my husband how I needed to be communicated with right now. And I decided the day will continue whether I like it or not. Now, when I look at the floor around me, I see some scattered dirty clothes, but not lava.
I'm not worried about me. And you should't be either. I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole... But I'm honestly the strongest person I know. I am intelligent, logical and practical. I understand the concept of science and I feel empowered when I possess the ability to plan. So, in addition to the confirmation that I cannot use my own biological eggs to produce a child, I was also given a definitive plan and was told that I am not working against a clock.
Part of me is heart broken when I think about the emotional attachment that this kid won't be a part of me biologically... I won't see my eyes when I look down at him or her. I can't credit anything biological to my own DNA. But my intellect always prevails. If I decide to do IVF (which is the current plan), I will still carry my child in my womb. I will still give birth. I will still be it's mother. But, I also know that motherhood can come in a variety of forms. If we adopt or foster (which has always been something we wanted to do), I will still be a mother. I will be a great mother (and Drew a great father) no matter how we create a family.
There are a lot of other emotions that I am having. I can't fucking believe that my body has failed me like this so many times. It's another invisible "illness" much like mono that I have to recover from, grieve for, and explain myself to others. I look fine. I act fine. People can't see my ovaries failing. They can't feel the emotional pain that I'm experiencing. And inevitably I will be asked if I'm currently pregnant (nope, just got fat from all the invisible medical woes I've experienced over the last 10 years) or when we will get pregnant (not until I can pay for robots to do it for me, bitch. Are you going to foot the bill? No? Shut up then).
Money is also a huge stressor. Yes, I know kids cost a ton of money for the rest of your life. But now I have to think about saving thousands of dollars before I can even have the procedure take place. And what if it doesn't work the first time? Then I have to save thousands of dollars again to either try again or save for adoption. What about buying a house? What about paying off my student loans? What about the fact that I really need a new car so I can stop feeling physically hurt every time I have to drive to the millions of places I need to be in a day? Getting pregnant naturally (the act of actually getting pregnant, not the medical care afterward and not in the case of those couples who have fertility struggles) cost $0. In fact, you're saving money in some cases because you're not paying for condoms or other birth control method. So, it's infuriating to me to sit here and think about this fiscal conundrum I'm in. Save for a family or buy a house? Save for a family or pay off one of my many student loans? My stomach is in literal knots just thinking about it.
I'm thinking about life after grad school. I'm thinking about how I really need to reduce stress, and that is a huge reason I will not be looking for school counseling positions, but rather will be staying with Delehoy College Counseling. I know the job, I love my boss and I have already put in the hours to at least start making a reputation for myself. I'm not starting from the ground up. But I am also thinking of other ways to make supplemental income. Whether that's selling stuff on etsy to help pay for some of these procedures or jumping in and trying my hand at selling LuLaRoe (their stuff is so cute and comfy!). Either way, my logical side and my emotional side or at total odds over the cost of all this and all of the other things we need to pay down (most notably, student loans. Can you tell I'm really nervous about my loans coming out of deferment?)
Life is stupid. But I have really great and supportive friends and family. I thank you for that. Drew and I will create a family. We are happy and so in love with each other. And that is precious to me in this time of emotional turmoil. I have not given up hope. But I do know that the natural course of things just isn't going to happen for me. And I'm accepting that.
Give me a diagnosis and I can create a plan. With a plan, I am unstoppable.
