I didn't come this far to only come this far.

I started to write this yesterday but I was exhausted and hungry and confused. I know that after writing this I will start to organize my thoughts and feelings, but I think yesterday I was attempting to write this passage for my friends and family and not for me. I was trying to get the message to you all that I'm fine and I'll make it through... and while I know that that's true, I also know I needed a little more time to be vulnerable. Not surprisingly, I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up and I felt like everything surrounding my bed was dangerous. The floor was lava and if I wanted to survive, I could only do so if I didn't leave my bed. That's what depression feels like sometimes for me. The worst is when I feel so incapable of leaving bed, but I'm not physically comfortable IN bed. But I did wake up, I found solid ground. I texted the people I needed to in order to be a responsible adult and let them know that I just couldn't fulfill my adult duties today (internship). I had a good shower cry. I explained to my husband how I needed to be communicated with right now. And I decided the day will continue whether I like it or not. Now, when I look at the floor around me, I see some scattered dirty clothes, but not lava.

I'm not worried about me. And you should't be either. I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole... But I'm honestly the strongest person I know. I am intelligent, logical and practical. I understand the concept of science and I feel empowered when I possess the ability to plan. So, in addition to the confirmation that I cannot use my own biological eggs to produce a child, I was also given a definitive plan and was told that I am not working against a clock. 

Part of me is heart broken when I think about the emotional attachment that this kid won't be a part of me biologically... I won't see my eyes when I look down at him or her. I can't credit anything biological to my own DNA. But my intellect always prevails. If I decide to do IVF (which is the current plan), I will still carry my child in my womb. I will still give birth. I will still be it's mother. But, I also know that motherhood can come in a variety of forms. If we adopt or foster (which has always been something we wanted to do), I will still be a mother. I will be a great mother (and Drew a great father) no matter how we create a family. 

There are a lot of other emotions that I am having. I can't fucking believe that my body has failed me like this so many times. It's another invisible "illness" much like mono that I have to recover from, grieve for, and explain myself to others. I look fine. I act fine. People can't see my ovaries failing. They can't feel the emotional pain that I'm experiencing. And inevitably I will be asked if I'm currently pregnant (nope, just got fat from all the invisible medical woes I've experienced over the last 10 years) or when we will get pregnant (not until I can pay for robots to do it for me, bitch. Are you going to foot the bill? No? Shut up then). 

Money is also a huge stressor. Yes, I know kids cost a ton of money for the rest of your life. But now I have to think about saving thousands of dollars before I can even have the procedure take place. And what if it doesn't work the first time? Then I have to save thousands of dollars again to either try again or save for adoption. What about buying a house? What about paying off my student loans? What about the fact that I really need a new car so I can stop feeling physically hurt every time I have to drive to the millions of places I need to be in a day? Getting pregnant naturally (the act of actually getting pregnant, not the medical care afterward and not in the case of those couples who have fertility struggles) cost $0. In fact, you're saving money in some cases because you're not paying for condoms or other birth control method. So, it's infuriating to me to sit here and think about this fiscal conundrum I'm in. Save for a family or buy a house? Save for a family or pay off one of my many student loans? My stomach is in literal knots just thinking about it. 

I'm thinking about life after grad school. I'm thinking about how I really need to reduce stress, and that is a huge reason I will not be looking for school counseling positions, but rather will be staying with Delehoy College Counseling. I know the job, I love my boss and I have already put in the hours to at least start making a reputation for myself. I'm not starting from the ground up. But I am also thinking of other ways to make supplemental income. Whether that's selling stuff on etsy to help pay for some of these procedures or jumping in and trying my hand at selling LuLaRoe (their stuff is so cute and comfy!). Either way, my logical side and my emotional side or at total odds over the cost of all this and all of the other things we need to pay down (most notably, student loans. Can you tell I'm really nervous about my loans coming out of deferment?) 

Life is stupid. But I have really great and supportive friends and family. I thank you for that. Drew and I will create a family. We are happy and so in love with each other. And that is precious to me in this time of emotional turmoil. I have not given up hope. But I do know that the natural course of things just isn't going to happen for me. And I'm accepting that. 

Give me a diagnosis and I can create a plan. With a plan, I am unstoppable. 

I am broken. But I'm not fragile.

I started writing this as a facebook status, but then realized it's more complicated than that. And I also don't want to speak FOR Drew. And that's how it was coming out. Drew really isn't the type of person to word vomit all over the internet (though, obviously, he supports my decision to do so... most of the time ;) ) But I felt I needed to post a follow up.

First and foremost, THANK YOU for the overwhelming support! It was actually overwhelming, honestly... But in the best kind of way. And I don't think words are enough to express just about grateful I am for all of you, all of the kind words, and all of the honest to goodness support. I think (I know) I have the tendency to grit my teeth and bare it... I have always had a lot of stress and obstacles in my life and I'm always very reluctant to ask for help. I'm so glad I went out of my comfort zone and just laid it all on the table. The response has been inspiring. So again, thank you.

This is such a vulnerable experience. The act of giving birth is such a uniquely woman experience. And as you all know I am a huge supporter of the right to choose parenthood (or not), it was a huge shock to hear that my body had decided that I was the enemy again. BUT -- I am not and never have been fragile. I am honestly the toughest person I know. And I am even stronger since having a partner like Drew. We are going to fight this battle head on in the best possible way for us as a family. And having the love and support of our friends and extended family is the best gift we could get this holiday season. Things are going to be emotional, but please don't feel like I'm one facebook pregnancy announcement away from a mental break. I'm not.

And most importantly... Remember I have ALWAYS had an inappropriate sense of humor. That's part of the reason many of you adore me so ;) So when I post things about shriveled up ovaries, just know that it's may way of coping. It's not me saying I'm hopeless. If I'm feeling hopeless and depressed I'll say so (because in addition to having an inappropriate sense of humor, I'm also extremely direct). But otherwise, it's just a sarcastic/hilarious way for me to deal. Laughter is the best medicine, right?







As for a medical update:

- I finally got my test results from Women's Health Care Associates. They never mailed them to me like I asked and then gave me the run around for two days, both on the phone and at the office. But I finally got them. Guess who explained what I was looking at? MY CHIROPRACTOR. Shout out to all the fabulous chiropractors I've had and a super awesome shout out to Therapia in Portland. WONDERFUL group of ladies (chiropractic, massage and acupuncture) who collaborate with each other and the client to do some amazing holistic medicine. LOVE THEM. Go see them!

- My chiropractor pointed out that although my EDL levels are low, they did go up the second time they did the blood draw. AND, the first blood draw was two days after my car accident. I have another friend who is looking at the test results from an experienced lens. I'm not actually as worried about it as I was before. Not to say that I'm DEFINITELY convinced I'm going to get pregnant. I'm just realizing it's not the whole picture.

- I'm going to a naturalpath tomorrow who works with crystals and other weird things I'd never consider in a million years. But, she was suggested to me by a teacher at one of my internship sites. So I'll give it a go.

- Our insurance seems to cover some costs of infertility. Not really sure how much, but some of it. So that's a relief.

- Doctors are assholes when they abuse their power and forget they are talking to humans.

Baby Making Time!

Today I was surprised with an interesting appointment on my calendar. It read "Baby Making Time!" Obviously, I had put this in my calendar months ago... Possibly even a year ago. It makes sense... Drew and I have been together for nine years. He's turning 30 this February, I'm finishing grad school in June. Natural progression of a family, right?

Wrong.

Had I known that appointment was there, it wouldn't have filled me with such sadness. I would have deleted it (or had Drew delete it for me). It wouldn't have messed with my grieving process so much.

Drew and I have been crazy for the past few weeks. I was rear ended again, we were moving, I'm in internship, we've been without internet for over a week. Holidays, work.. whatever else there is... It's been happening. But, what was unexpected was a phone call from my doctor the day after Thanksgiving telling me that she thinks it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to get pregnant. Let's back up a minute... Mind you, I had not been concerned about this. I had gone in to discuss the fact that I've had irregular periods and that I thought since I had lost a ton of weight (30+ lbs) that I would, in fact, have more regular periods. They did a blood draw. Called me back in a few days later to do another blood draw with no information about the first. Then she called me on the day after Thanksgiving. Drew and I were on the Oregon Coast with his family. She used scary words like "specialist" and "Ovarian Failure." And my personal favorite "early menopause." Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. I hung up the phone, stunned and heartbroken. I've been having a panic attack ever since.

Since then, tears continue to be shed, pessimist jokes have been shared where Drew and I exchange awkward looks about whether we should laugh, cry or hug each other. Great conversations have been had with friends. And appointments with specialists have been made for the near future (but yet still feels like an eternity). Anger, frustration, self-pity and self-loathing have all been flooding through me. I have started anti-depressants and I have been at a loss for anything productive, coherent or focused. I've been feeling like I've been drowning in my school work, home life, paid work and personal responsibilities. I feel tinges of self-sabotage. I'm sure I gained a million pounds back after my triumphant losses. And I've stopped regularly taking medicines that have been helping me stay healthy (not because I want to.. but that I can't find the head space to keep track of it all). Feelings of hopelessness have clung to me like the dampness that has been plaguing Portland for the past two weeks.

I know that so far this post has been extremely depressing. And I own that. I need a place to grieve and this is where I decided to take that space. I need a place to share my experiences, and again, this is the place I have decided to do that. I know not all is lost, but I'm in a very scary place right now. And, as my cousin pointed out to me, this sucks because I did everything right. I found a nice human being to share my life with, I waited until we were out of college and financially stable (mostly?). I used to be a Planned Parenthood Peer Mentor, for god's sake! So, yes, I'm feeling a lot of "woe is me." And I'm not going to apologize for that.

BUT -- I have amazing, knowledgable friends. Friends who have shared their own stories of struggle with me. Or put me in touch with another friend who had similar experiences. I have friends who are a wealth of knowledge and have provided me with information on other health issues that may actually be the cause of my situation instead of actually being in menopause. I have a husband who holds me at night and tells me I'm beautiful. Who knows damn well that we'll be parents regardless of whether it's through pregnancy or adoption or fostering. A husband who does not feel cheated by my short comings --- and never for one second makes me feel like they are short comings to begin with. I am so thankful for all of these things.

So this is my journey. Please join me if you care to keep up with the inner working of me... literally. Our next steps include:

• acupuncture (already in progress)
• appointments with specialists
• General midwife appointment with OHSU is on December 22nd. I imagine that they are just going to send me for additional tests which won't be able to happen until after the holidays
• Fertility specialist appointment at OHSU is on January 21st. I imagine that more tests and ultrasounds will be done shortly after this appointment. 
• changing our diet. It was suggested to me that my symptoms also sound like an autoimmune disease. As I continued to research, I agree. One article I read mentioned that having mono will often times mess with your system. I've had mono twice and ever since I've been a mess of illness and imperfect health. Since seeing a physician in Portland I have been treated for pre-diabetes and a thyroid condition. This has helped me lose weight and gain more energy but it is not enough. And, I'd rather address the entire problem than to be on multiple medications for the rest of my life treating isolated pieces. Sunday we will begin a long journey of eating even more strictly thank the whole 30 diet. By continuing to research autoimmune diseases, I learned that I shouldn't eat eggs (among other things). Which is one of the primary sources of protein I am used to making for myself. No wonder eggs always make me feel so tired. 
• De-stressing. Stress is rampant in my life right now. My heart races at such rates that I feel like it's trying to punch me in the face. I need to eliminate some of it. By moving to Portland, I have a much better commute. That has already helped decrease some of my stress with internship by allowing me to be in the car less and have a little more time to get ready in the morning. Next stop: unpacking our house, being more organized, and getting back to coloring at night and writing letters to the people I love. 

A warm, special thank you to my friends and family who have been so supportive already -- even if you haven't had the full picture of what is going on. You continue to make me feel loved and that is the biggest gift I could be given at this point in time. Happy Holidays to you all and keep your fingers crossed for answers and the best news (which may or may not be that I can get pregnant, but really... solving the hot flashes before I kill someone would be great. Additionally -- special supportive shout out to all the ladies in the world with hot flashes. This shit sucks.)