Wrong.
Had I known that appointment was there, it wouldn't have filled me with such sadness. I would have deleted it (or had Drew delete it for me). It wouldn't have messed with my grieving process so much.
Drew and I have been crazy for the past few weeks. I was rear ended again, we were moving, I'm in internship, we've been without internet for over a week. Holidays, work.. whatever else there is... It's been happening. But, what was unexpected was a phone call from my doctor the day after Thanksgiving telling me that she thinks it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to get pregnant. Let's back up a minute... Mind you, I had not been concerned about this. I had gone in to discuss the fact that I've had irregular periods and that I thought since I had lost a ton of weight (30+ lbs) that I would, in fact, have more regular periods. They did a blood draw. Called me back in a few days later to do another blood draw with no information about the first. Then she called me on the day after Thanksgiving. Drew and I were on the Oregon Coast with his family. She used scary words like "specialist" and "Ovarian Failure." And my personal favorite "early menopause." Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. I hung up the phone, stunned and heartbroken. I've been having a panic attack ever since.
Since then, tears continue to be shed, pessimist jokes have been shared where Drew and I exchange awkward looks about whether we should laugh, cry or hug each other. Great conversations have been had with friends. And appointments with specialists have been made for the near future (but yet still feels like an eternity). Anger, frustration, self-pity and self-loathing have all been flooding through me. I have started anti-depressants and I have been at a loss for anything productive, coherent or focused. I've been feeling like I've been drowning in my school work, home life, paid work and personal responsibilities. I feel tinges of self-sabotage. I'm sure I gained a million pounds back after my triumphant losses. And I've stopped regularly taking medicines that have been helping me stay healthy (not because I want to.. but that I can't find the head space to keep track of it all). Feelings of hopelessness have clung to me like the dampness that has been plaguing Portland for the past two weeks.
I know that so far this post has been extremely depressing. And I own that. I need a place to grieve and this is where I decided to take that space. I need a place to share my experiences, and again, this is the place I have decided to do that. I know not all is lost, but I'm in a very scary place right now. And, as my cousin pointed out to me, this sucks because I did everything right. I found a nice human being to share my life with, I waited until we were out of college and financially stable (mostly?). I used to be a Planned Parenthood Peer Mentor, for god's sake! So, yes, I'm feeling a lot of "woe is me." And I'm not going to apologize for that.
BUT -- I have amazing, knowledgable friends. Friends who have shared their own stories of struggle with me. Or put me in touch with another friend who had similar experiences. I have friends who are a wealth of knowledge and have provided me with information on other health issues that may actually be the cause of my situation instead of actually being in menopause. I have a husband who holds me at night and tells me I'm beautiful. Who knows damn well that we'll be parents regardless of whether it's through pregnancy or adoption or fostering. A husband who does not feel cheated by my short comings --- and never for one second makes me feel like they are short comings to begin with. I am so thankful for all of these things.
So this is my journey. Please join me if you care to keep up with the inner working of me... literally. Our next steps include:
- acupuncture (already in progress)
- appointments with specialists
- General midwife appointment with OHSU is on December 22nd. I imagine that they are just going to send me for additional tests which won't be able to happen until after the holidays
- Fertility specialist appointment at OHSU is on January 21st. I imagine that more tests and ultrasounds will be done shortly after this appointment.
- changing our diet. It was suggested to me that my symptoms also sound like an autoimmune disease. As I continued to research, I agree. One article I read mentioned that having mono will often times mess with your system. I've had mono twice and ever since I've been a mess of illness and imperfect health. Since seeing a physician in Portland I have been treated for pre-diabetes and a thyroid condition. This has helped me lose weight and gain more energy but it is not enough. And, I'd rather address the entire problem than to be on multiple medications for the rest of my life treating isolated pieces. Sunday we will begin a long journey of eating even more strictly thank the whole 30 diet. By continuing to research autoimmune diseases, I learned that I shouldn't eat eggs (among other things). Which is one of the primary sources of protein I am used to making for myself. No wonder eggs always make me feel so tired.
- De-stressing. Stress is rampant in my life right now. My heart races at such rates that I feel like it's trying to punch me in the face. I need to eliminate some of it. By moving to Portland, I have a much better commute. That has already helped decrease some of my stress with internship by allowing me to be in the car less and have a little more time to get ready in the morning. Next stop: unpacking our house, being more organized, and getting back to coloring at night and writing letters to the people I love.
A warm, special thank you to my friends and family who have been so supportive already -- even if you haven't had the full picture of what is going on. You continue to make me feel loved and that is the biggest gift I could be given at this point in time. Happy Holidays to you all and keep your fingers crossed for answers and the best news (which may or may not be that I can get pregnant, but really... solving the hot flashes before I kill someone would be great. Additionally -- special supportive shout out to all the ladies in the world with hot flashes. This shit sucks.)
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