Yesterday I turned 27. I have been out of college for almost 5 years now. I am in graduate school, meeting new people and starting a new profession. One thing that has been true since leaving the Knox community is that when I mention my affiliation with the Greek community in college (and as an Alumnae) the person at the other end of the conversation scoffs. "Fraternities? Sororities?" It's almost as if they are saying "I thought you were smart." I don't always enthusiastically correct them either. Mostly because if you had told be even in the fall of 2005 that I was going to join a sorority, I would have scoffed too. Let's be honest... College wasn't all roses and rainbows for me. And more often than not I allowed myself to get sucked into the drama that only a large group of females can provide. But, Pi Phi gave me so much more than just drama.
The Beta-Delta Chapter of Pi Beta Phi was a tremendous step in the right direction for me. Despite how cheesy the following statement sounds during recruitment or when you're trying to convince a new friend that you aren't the devil for being a part of a sorority, Pi Phi offers woman amazing leadership and philanthropic opportunities. Opportunities to step out of your comfort zone and really give back to something. As an education major, Pi Phi was a natural choice for me because of it's philanthropic dedication to literacy. But, Pi Phi gave me so much more than an opportunity to be a professional Dr. Seuss fanatic.... And I'm so sad that it takes a tragedy to be reminded of what sisterhood is all about. But I am so grateful (understatement of the year, but I don't think there is a word that truly embodies what I'm feeling) to have such wonderful women popping out of the woodwork to share our heartfelt, sincerest sorrow and joy as we celebrate an amazing woman's life gone too soon.
The feelings that surround death are complicated. I have experienced everything from complete mental break the home goods section of Target, to inappropriate humor, to stoic emotional sounding board, to more appropriate humor, and back to complete emotional break down. And of course the guilt. The guilt that I should have reached out more. I should have forgiven the stupid fight we had. I should have talked to her about something much more substantial than a mutual foe in our last conversation. I should have told her how proud I was of her and how much I loved her, her impulsivity and her huge heart.
I'm struggling. I'm struggling to get my emotions under control. I'm struggling to think that next time I visit Galesburg, she won't be joining the party. I get especially upset when I think about what she was feeling and experiencing the moment she died.
But here's the most significant thing I have gained from being a member of Pi Phi: sisterhood and sincere friendship. Yeah, we talked about the fact that that's what each member of Pi Phi would give to us as being a part of organization... But I don't know that I ever realized how deep of a concept and responsibility that truly is. In the last few days my sisters from all over the world, from all different pledge and graduation classes, and from different levels of actually having the privilege of knowing Lexie as the wonderful person (and true Knox Legend) she was, have all been here for each other to offer an ear to listen and a physical or metaphorical shoulder to cry on. To share in the crazy, fun memories we each have of Lexie whether it started with "this one time at TKE" or something about a water polo match... We've come together to celebrate her life and her extreme passion for living it. And it feels so good to know that I'm not alone. That I have hundreds of sisters to not only share the pain of the situation, but the joy of knowing who she was to each of us.
To everyone that I've been in contact with: thank you for your kind words, emotional support and continued friendship and sisterhood.
To those who I've lost touch with for one reason or another, know that you also have a very special place in my heart. I'm sorry that you are hurting too, but you aren't alone. And you are loved. Thank you for being my sisters.
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