Challenging the idea that "Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels"

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels -- a quote that I gobbled up (see what I did there?) when I unsuccessfully tried my hand at Weight Watchers. A quote that I see on countless facebook posts, tweets and "Fitsperation" memes. It's taken me a long time to realize, but this quote is complete crap. And not for the reasons you might think.

I don't open up a lot about my weight struggles. Especially on social media. I guess I have always felt that by talking about it -- even if that means celebrating a pound lost -- that I'd be broadcasting to the world that I'm fat. That *maybe* if I avoided the topic, no one would notice. But let's face it... I'm a little too big to hide in plain sight. Funny how I have felt more and more invisible the more space my physical (m)ass actually takes up in the world.

I don't really talk about my struggles, my discontent, my sorrow or even more recently my successes and accomplishments to my close friends. I guess I believe, whether it's true or not, that by talking about it even with loved ones, I am putting them in an awkward position of choosing their response. Do they give me the "you're not fat" speech? The empathetic look that inevitably shows so much pity? Because really, as much as I avoid talking about my weight, many my friends and family (thankfully?) avoid acknowledging it too. Even my own husband varies between "you're not fat" and avoiding my complaints all together and moving on to the next subject. It took showing him THIS amazing clip from Louis C.K.'s  "And so did the fat lady"episode of Louie to finally realize that saying "You're not fat" is NOT a compliment. It's a flat out lie. And being blatantly lied to by the person you love most in this world is a truly devastating experience, no matter how good the intention.

I have gone through all of the emotions that surround being obese. Denial, self-pity, self-loathing, avoidance, blame and finger pointing, jealousy, shame... everything but acceptance and definitely no where near love for myself and my body. And there are a million reasons that I can list that I feel have contributed to my weight gain: getting mono (twice), growing up without proper nutritional education, COLLEGE CAFETERIAS, my addiction to potato products, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder (and all of the ups and downs that comes along with that), living in a remote area for 8 years...

It's taken a year since moving to Portland to finally feel *ready* to commit to a change. I have tried "going paleo" on and off for probably 3 years now. I have tried and failed many times at the Whole 30 program. But nearly one year after the move from Illinois to Oregon, nearly one year into my graduate program and six months post-car accident, Drew and I have embarked on the most successful Whole 30 trial yet! Day 10! Going strong.

And as I started thinking about Day 10 and the eating rules that the Whole 30 strongly suggest, I started wondering why it was so hard for me before. And as I thought about the amazing steak that I have waiting for me for lunch, I thought of that quote "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Uhmm... That steak tastes pretty freakin' good. And there is a 100% possibility that I'll still be eating similar steaks when I reach my goal weight.

It's Day 10 and I honestly don't feel deprived at all. In fact, what I feel is disgust. Disgust at how many times I've gone through the McDonalds drive thru KNOWING how awful I think it actually tastes and how disappointed I would be after consuming that "food." Not just because I know how bad it is for me... But because I honestly don't like it. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of emotion. As a friend pointed out on my instagram yesterday... It's been 10 days and I'm eating like a king! AND noticing changes within myself. I am sleeping better, my skin is (slowly) clearing up, I've noticed that my neck is thinning out (the first sign of me losing weight without hopping on a scale to confirm). But most of all... I feel POWERFUL. I feel like I've taken my life back. Will I still struggle with cravings? Yes. Will I still long for the convenience of a drive thru and someone else preparing my food? Probably. I'm a millennial and from Connecticut... I am used to being able to pay someone to give me what I want, when I want it, as long as I have the financial means to do so (which I don't have the financial means... I'm a poor grad student. So there's that.) BUT I'm gaining so much more! I'm gaining confidence in the kitchen. I'm gaining invaluable time management and preparation skills. I'm gaining my self-confidence back.

I am powerful. I am capable. I have had A LOT of set backs within the last 9 years, but it's definitely time to take control of the situation. There is a lot of pain and sadness that goes along with the realization that it's been almost a decade struggle. A cycle of extreme emotional response to the life set backs I experienced while in college. But this struggle will not define me. I have too many other things going for me to allow myself to feel muted by my weight. I love myself too much to kill myself with the poisonous foods I have been addicted to for my whole life. I am too smart to keep treating my one and only body like this. And frankly, eating this well TASTES SO GOOD.

So, Kate Moss, you're so wrong. There is so much more life left to taste! You can be healthy and celebrate good food without extreme fear of weight gain. So in 20 days, I'm going to have my paleo-friendly cake and eat it too. But I'm going to keep eating like a king and treating myself like a queen. I deserve good things. I deserve health. I deserve happiness. And I am well on my way to achieving it!