Challenging the idea that "Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels"

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels -- a quote that I gobbled up (see what I did there?) when I unsuccessfully tried my hand at Weight Watchers. A quote that I see on countless facebook posts, tweets and "Fitsperation" memes. It's taken me a long time to realize, but this quote is complete crap. And not for the reasons you might think.

I don't open up a lot about my weight struggles. Especially on social media. I guess I have always felt that by talking about it -- even if that means celebrating a pound lost -- that I'd be broadcasting to the world that I'm fat. That *maybe* if I avoided the topic, no one would notice. But let's face it... I'm a little too big to hide in plain sight. Funny how I have felt more and more invisible the more space my physical (m)ass actually takes up in the world.

I don't really talk about my struggles, my discontent, my sorrow or even more recently my successes and accomplishments to my close friends. I guess I believe, whether it's true or not, that by talking about it even with loved ones, I am putting them in an awkward position of choosing their response. Do they give me the "you're not fat" speech? The empathetic look that inevitably shows so much pity? Because really, as much as I avoid talking about my weight, many my friends and family (thankfully?) avoid acknowledging it too. Even my own husband varies between "you're not fat" and avoiding my complaints all together and moving on to the next subject. It took showing him THIS amazing clip from Louis C.K.'s  "And so did the fat lady"episode of Louie to finally realize that saying "You're not fat" is NOT a compliment. It's a flat out lie. And being blatantly lied to by the person you love most in this world is a truly devastating experience, no matter how good the intention.

I have gone through all of the emotions that surround being obese. Denial, self-pity, self-loathing, avoidance, blame and finger pointing, jealousy, shame... everything but acceptance and definitely no where near love for myself and my body. And there are a million reasons that I can list that I feel have contributed to my weight gain: getting mono (twice), growing up without proper nutritional education, COLLEGE CAFETERIAS, my addiction to potato products, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder (and all of the ups and downs that comes along with that), living in a remote area for 8 years...

It's taken a year since moving to Portland to finally feel *ready* to commit to a change. I have tried "going paleo" on and off for probably 3 years now. I have tried and failed many times at the Whole 30 program. But nearly one year after the move from Illinois to Oregon, nearly one year into my graduate program and six months post-car accident, Drew and I have embarked on the most successful Whole 30 trial yet! Day 10! Going strong.

And as I started thinking about Day 10 and the eating rules that the Whole 30 strongly suggest, I started wondering why it was so hard for me before. And as I thought about the amazing steak that I have waiting for me for lunch, I thought of that quote "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Uhmm... That steak tastes pretty freakin' good. And there is a 100% possibility that I'll still be eating similar steaks when I reach my goal weight.

It's Day 10 and I honestly don't feel deprived at all. In fact, what I feel is disgust. Disgust at how many times I've gone through the McDonalds drive thru KNOWING how awful I think it actually tastes and how disappointed I would be after consuming that "food." Not just because I know how bad it is for me... But because I honestly don't like it. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of emotion. As a friend pointed out on my instagram yesterday... It's been 10 days and I'm eating like a king! AND noticing changes within myself. I am sleeping better, my skin is (slowly) clearing up, I've noticed that my neck is thinning out (the first sign of me losing weight without hopping on a scale to confirm). But most of all... I feel POWERFUL. I feel like I've taken my life back. Will I still struggle with cravings? Yes. Will I still long for the convenience of a drive thru and someone else preparing my food? Probably. I'm a millennial and from Connecticut... I am used to being able to pay someone to give me what I want, when I want it, as long as I have the financial means to do so (which I don't have the financial means... I'm a poor grad student. So there's that.) BUT I'm gaining so much more! I'm gaining confidence in the kitchen. I'm gaining invaluable time management and preparation skills. I'm gaining my self-confidence back.

I am powerful. I am capable. I have had A LOT of set backs within the last 9 years, but it's definitely time to take control of the situation. There is a lot of pain and sadness that goes along with the realization that it's been almost a decade struggle. A cycle of extreme emotional response to the life set backs I experienced while in college. But this struggle will not define me. I have too many other things going for me to allow myself to feel muted by my weight. I love myself too much to kill myself with the poisonous foods I have been addicted to for my whole life. I am too smart to keep treating my one and only body like this. And frankly, eating this well TASTES SO GOOD.

So, Kate Moss, you're so wrong. There is so much more life left to taste! You can be healthy and celebrate good food without extreme fear of weight gain. So in 20 days, I'm going to have my paleo-friendly cake and eat it too. But I'm going to keep eating like a king and treating myself like a queen. I deserve good things. I deserve health. I deserve happiness. And I am well on my way to achieving it!

Practical Paleo

It's no secret that Drew and I have been living an unhealthy lifestyle for quite some time. And unfortunately it's not as interesting as "Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll." Nope.. it's mostly been about some really bad and not satisfying food and watching too many NCIS or Law and Order marathons together instead of pushing each other to go outside and do something.

Portland has been a huge blessing. We're surrounded by healthier options and beautiful landscapes. Dog parks alone have been a huge saving grace. [We will not talk about the escapades of Casandra's visit this weekend and how we ate our way across the PNW... But in a post soon I will talk about how much joy Casandra's visit brought me :)] However, then we were faced with my car accident and cross fit stopped and so did eating and preparing our own meals that consist of more than tater tots and sandwiches.

A few posts back I told you that we were going to take some time every week to cook a few meals out of this book "Practical Paleo." Drew had to visit Galesburg for work and then of course we celebrated my birthday hard... So we hadn't had the chance to jump into it. But here we go!

Practical Paleo is recipe book by Diane Sanfilippo. I bought it a while ago and loved the sound of the recipes but hadn't actually worked on anything from it. A few weeks ago, Drew and I sat down and went through the book and tagged some pages that we found interesting. 

While Drew napped, I wrote the recipes we wanted to try on popsicle sticks and put them in three separate mason jars. There weren't an equal number of entrees, sides, breakfasts and desserts... So I think entrees have their own jar, sides, and then breakfast and desserts are together. The idea is that we'll pull one stick from each jar and those are recipes we have to try that week. This week is Chocolate Mousse, Lamb Lettuce Boats and Quiche. (pictures below) 

Moo-Less Chocolate Mousse

Lamb Lettuce Boats with avo-ziki sauce

Swirly crustless quiche

Tonight I will be going to the store to by the ingredients and tomorrow night we'll start cooking.

During Casandra's visit, she was telling me about how she also wants to get back on track (again, her visit to Portland did not help that idea once we met up with Drew... I did take her to the Cultured Caveman food truck though!)

In our conversation about getting back on track and accountability she was telling me about this book: Make Ahead Paleo. My fear was that with how many hours I'm out of the house, how do I pack lunches and dinner? So we are both going to try this book sometime this week and hold each other accountable for our meals.

I'm excited to start feeling better again. I know that this way of eating makes me feel better. It's just so easy to be busy with life and go to the drive thru. Or order pizza. But I am learning that I do have dietary restrictions (hello, lactose intolerance) and that to keep eating foods that make me feel crappy is stupid. So let's try a different alternative and feel GOOD! Plus, Voodoo doughnuts twice in one weekend is ffaarrrrrrrr tooooooo much! (but so good!) 

More updates as the food is being made :) 

To my Arrow Girls:

Yesterday I turned 27. I have been out of college for almost 5 years now. I am in graduate school, meeting new people and starting a new profession. One thing that has been true since leaving the Knox community is that when I mention my affiliation with the Greek community in college (and as an Alumnae) the person at the other end of the conversation scoffs. "Fraternities? Sororities?" It's almost as if they are saying "I thought you were smart." I don't always enthusiastically correct them either. Mostly because if you had told be even in the fall of 2005 that I was going to join a sorority, I would have scoffed too. Let's be honest... College wasn't all roses and rainbows for me. And more often than not I allowed myself to get sucked into the drama that only a large group of females can provide. But, Pi Phi gave me so much more than just drama.

The Beta-Delta Chapter of Pi Beta Phi was a tremendous step in the right direction for me. Despite how cheesy the following statement sounds during recruitment or when you're trying to convince a new friend that you aren't the devil for being a part of a sorority, Pi Phi offers woman amazing leadership and philanthropic opportunities. Opportunities to step out of your comfort zone and really give back to something. As an education major, Pi Phi was a natural choice for me because of it's philanthropic dedication to literacy. But, Pi Phi gave me so much more than an opportunity to be a professional Dr. Seuss fanatic.... And I'm so sad that it takes a tragedy to be reminded of what sisterhood is all about. But I am so grateful (understatement of the year, but I don't think there is a word that truly embodies what I'm feeling) to have such wonderful women popping out of the woodwork to share our heartfelt, sincerest sorrow and joy as we celebrate an amazing woman's life gone too soon.

The feelings that surround death are complicated. I have experienced everything from complete mental break the home goods section of Target, to inappropriate humor, to stoic emotional sounding board, to more appropriate humor, and back to complete emotional break down. And of course the guilt. The guilt that I should have reached out more. I should have forgiven the stupid fight we had. I should have talked to her about something much more substantial than a mutual foe in our last conversation. I should have told her how proud I was of her and how much I loved her, her impulsivity and her huge heart.

I'm struggling. I'm struggling to get my emotions under control. I'm struggling to think that next time I visit Galesburg, she won't be joining the party. I get especially upset when I think about what she was feeling and experiencing the moment she died.

But here's the most significant thing I have gained from being a member of Pi Phi: sisterhood and sincere friendship. Yeah, we talked about the fact that that's what each member of Pi Phi would give to us as being a part of organization... But I don't know that I ever realized how deep of a concept and responsibility that truly is. In the last few days my sisters from all over the world, from all different pledge and graduation classes, and from different levels of actually having the privilege of knowing Lexie as the wonderful person (and true Knox Legend) she was, have all been here for each other to offer an ear to listen and a physical or metaphorical shoulder to cry on. To share in the crazy, fun memories we each have of Lexie whether it started with "this one time at TKE" or something about a water polo match... We've come together to celebrate her life and her extreme passion for living it. And it feels so good to know that I'm not alone. That I have hundreds of sisters to not only share the pain of the situation, but the joy of knowing who she was to each of us.

To everyone that I've been in contact with: thank you for your kind words, emotional support and continued friendship and sisterhood.

To those who I've lost touch with for one reason or another, know that you also have a very special place in my heart. I'm sorry that you are hurting too, but you aren't alone. And you are loved. Thank you for being my sisters.

Welcome to 2014!

I saw this meme on a friend's facebook and I loved it! Last night was full of friends and family either posting cynical memes/status updates like this, or doing exactly what this meme is making fun of. I'm not sure where this update will fall, but here it goes.

2013 wasn't bad. It was the year that made me honestly kick my own ass. It was my wake up call. It told me to get out of a situation that I hated, put myself out there (despite the possibility of rejection), and CHANGE my life. So really, I'm grateful for 2013. Or at least who I chose to be in 2013. I uprooted my family and moved to a physical and emotional place that has already proven to be leaps and bounds better than I was experiencing before. And as I type these words, I realize that I'm actually really proud of myself. Go me! *pats back*

So... despite the lack of income, the nightmare 6-week nanny experience, the car accident, the emotional roller coaster that is grad school, and the last few days with the flu. I guess I'm just realizing that 2013 was a year of tremendous growth. I didn't fall into a deep, dark depression after my car accident and instead I really am focusing on getting stronger. A whole new body and mind transformation, if you will. And, it just so happens to be coming at the start of the new calendar year.

So resolutions... I don't really do resolutions because generally I think they are stupid excuses to do something you should do anyway. And then I don't do them, as Tony Stark suggests, and then I get all disappointed that I failed YET AGAIN. But this year, this moment... I feel a change trying to make it's way to the surface. That given my circumstance, THIS IS THE TIME. Not because it's January 1st. Or even because I'm about to start a new year of being (27?!) ... Just because this is the time.

Okay, I could go on and on about how disappointed I've been with my weight and health and general well being, but instead of focusing on the negative, I'm going to start with what made me happy before my car accident.

A few posts ago I had been sharing pictures of the new, creative meals I was cooking. Drew was traveling for work... It was just me cooking for me. No other influences. And I made some delicious meals. Then, the car accident struck (pun intended) and Drew started working two jobs and neither of us were cooking. Cooking made me happy, I need to remember that. And now that January starts the extremely busy part of my school year, I'm either going to have to come up with a routine or I know I'm going to continue to eat McDonald's breakfast 3x/week. Expensive and nasty, I know.

So this morning I busted out my Practical Paleo book. In the past I have rushed into things like the Whole 30 (which I still 100% want to do, and hope to do by the end of Feb 2014)... instead of easing into things like this. It's hard to have the willpower to go from eating pizza multiple times a week to ONLY eating super strict things. I only ever made it 10 days, and I am sure that within those 10 days I slipped up somewhere somehow. So, like I said, we got out the Practical Paleo book and just started going through the recipes, one by one. I started to flag which ones sounded good and as the pages kept turning, Drew and I decided that we are going to do at least one recipe from the book until we run out of the flagged recipes. There are 31 "dinner" recipes that we flagged. A few breakfast recipes, desserts and side dishes to try as well. Our (my, because Drew is now sleeping with a cat on his back) hope is that we will cook one recipe from each category per week.. And in doing this, it will shape the rest of the week's menu as well. This opens up so many opportunities: eating better, cooking for ourselves, spending LESS money on eating out, spending time together, opening us up to trying new things... etc. I'm actually supper excited to do this and I think Drew likes that I'm getting excited about cooking, so he's happy too (I can tell by the snores coming from that side of the bed right now...)

Anyway... Expect pictures, lists of meals and more details to come!

Also:

5 days until I begin student teaching in a 2nd grade classroom
18 days until my birthday!
34 days until Drew's birthday and 79 days until our honeymoon! (it kind of feels silly still calling it a honeymoon, but damnit, it is!)

Thankful.

It's been almost a week since I got rear ended coming home from class. Today, I stopped taking my pain pills and experienced the raw pain of the accident. But my head wasn't cloudy and I was able to think clearly and take a step forward. Every time I think about how badly my back hurts, my heart hurts for the girl who hit me, the girl in the middle. And as I drove I-5 today, during rush hour, over a bridge that I'm already fearful of... I had to fight back tears. But now that I'm home and warm on my couch with my dogs, I am so thankful that things weren't as bad as they could have been.

We heard back from the insurance agent handling our claim and he said he doesn't think the car is totaled (which is a huge weight off of my shoulders). He also said I can go ahead and submit a chiropractor and acupuncturist appointment (or series of) to my insurance and they will seek reimbursement from the other guy's claim. Since we both have State Farm it seems that this process has been easier and quicker than if we had different insurance companies. All the while, our rates are not going up due to the accident because he accepted all liability (as he should have). Furthermore, our crossfit gym has put my account on hold for 40 days -- so I don't have to spend money for time I'm not using! Really, as far as accidents go, everyone involved or affected are working together to make my recovery pretty easy. I am so thankful for that.

My professors have been wonderfully accommodating, my classmates have been extremely helpful with taking notes for me or helping me through quizzes. Drew has been amazing. He has tackled every request I have of him while working 14-16 hour days between his two jobs. My boss has also been super sweet, letting me come in for as long as I physically can and taking days off to recover.

I am also thankful for the fact that I have a job. I know Drew and I are really trying to make ends meet and to be in a more financially secure position since I have become a full time student. But I'm still able to give a few dollars to people who need it more than I do. Today I gave an elderly man a hot coffee and a few bucks. I had a short conversation with him and as selfish as it is to focus on how good it made me feel to help, I know that I made a difference in that man's night as well.

Finally, I am thankful to have the opportunity to meet extremely helpful [future] colleagues and professors who are leading us to creating relationships and mentorships that will help us help our students. I'm excited to be learning more about Oregon, the Portland area school districts, wrap around services that helps families, and ultimately learning who I want to be. I had a wonderful meeting with a graduate of my program who is a school counselor, has her own private practice and is a mother. She gave me amazing advice on how to lead a balanced life and she said that nothing is permanent. I know there's a scary side to that idea, but she said it with such a positive twist that it made me hopeful. We're all always learning new things about ourselves and the world around us... I can do so many things. That's amazing.

I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving. I miss so many of you, but am so thankful to have you in my life. I hope to hear from you soon!  

Making This House a Home

I love the idea of blogging. I love having a place where our friends and family can come and check in on us. But... Too much of the time I'm inside my own head asking "Who wants to know any of this?" or "Am I even slightly interesting?"

Basically, having a blog about my family, myself and our adventures is useless if the only thing I do is question whether blogging is right for me and if anyone will read it. So I'm just going to dive right back into this thing... I'm going to talk about the stuff that Drew and I are doing, regardless if anyone else finds it interesting... Because I want to.

So ... we moved. That's the most interesting thing we've done together in the 7-8 years of our courtship. We moved far too! And I quit my job and I started school. And it has been one hell of a ride! We have had to reevaluate a lot in our lives to make this move happen. Our income (which is a repetitive theme and cause of turmoil), our communication patterns, who we are now as individuals and as a family unit, and how we want to be.

These are all topics I'll jump into eventually when I have more than 20 minutes before leaving for class... But today I thought I'd talk about something that has gotten me pretty excited these days: Cooking!

While Drew was traveling for work the last few weeks I decided to take a stand with myself. Too often I live off of Papa John's when he is traveling and ultimately I feel even crappier about being alone than I would if I were eating right. --Funny how crappy foods lead to crappy feelings, no? So I took a stand! I put my foot down and threw (most of) the Doritos away! I started first just by making an effort to eat breakfast.. and eat a healthy one. To my surprise a few things happened:

1. By making a healthier choice on breakfast (instead of a typical bagel and cream cheese) I was finding that I was fuller, longer. And as a result I was also less likely to burst out in fits of hanger and instead was able to continue making healthy choices throughout the day.

2. I was happier! Just by the pure and simple fact that I was taking ownership over my meal, I felt confident in my decision making.

3. I'm not a half bad cook! I mean, sure, I'm starting small... crockpot soup over here, baked egg over there... But damn, it tastes good!

So when Drew got home, I cooked some stuff and realized that this made *both* of us happy! So we started cooking together! And we started becoming even better communicators.

Here's a look at some of the stuff we've been cooking:

Yesterday's Breakfast
Sausage-Stuffed Acorn Squash with Baked Egg

One of my First Breakfast Adventures
Baked Egg and Laughing Cow Over Side Salad

Drew's Specialty
Baked Egg in a Tomato

My FAVORITE So Far (Might even make it this morning)
Scrambled Eggs with Bosc Pear, Laughing Cow, and Roasted Chicken

Old Reliable:

Quinoa Flakes
(This one is with frozen fruit, but my favorite combination has been with a bosc pear and maple syrup)

An Oldie but a Goodie

Steak and Yukon Gold Potatoes with Sauteed Onions and Mushrooms

Still Dreaming of This One
Homemade Tomato Basil Soup with a Grilled Brie, Bacon and Pear Sandwich

Be on the look out for more delicious adventures :) 

xo S+D

The Dumbest Thing I Ever Felt Compelled to Say Out Loud (With some important stuff in between.)

Drew and I have had an amazing adventure in the last four months. I quit my job to pursue a masters degree, we moved half away across the country (and an entire country away from my family), I started in a place where I knew only people from Drew's childhood, and then school started.

My program is intense. I highly underestimated what all this personal counseling was going to be like. I'm doing individual counseling, couples counseling, group counseling. And I don't mean I'm just learning about those things and how to facilitate them myself. I mean, I'm doing so much work that I have self-awareness coming out the wazoo!

I love my program. I love the people I've met. I love who I'm becoming. And most importantly, I'm learning to love all of me.. Who I was, who I am, who I will be. And because of that I love everyone who has played a hand in helping me become ... me.

Here's the dumb part. Facebook. Social media in general.

I've been contemplating "deleting friends" for a while now. Not maliciously. Not because I don't think those people are important or that they have not place an important role in who I am (I mean, let's face it... Some of them are only people I met briefly and they probably wondered why I was friending them in the first place...) But because I need to make room in my life for the handful of people I do admittedly keep in touch with via facebook.

Facebook has always been a time-suck. Now that I'm in a graduate program... I don't have time to look at puppies from my elementary school friends that I haven't kept up with. I love and appreciate the great things you are all doing with your lives... But seeing your puppies is taking away from seeing my niece and nephews grow up (sadly, via facebook).

I'm writing this partly because I feel like facebook has become this huge piece of people's identity and worth. And I think this is me trying to break myself away from that. To step away from the hold that social media has on the representation of the real me. I am also trying to minimize the distractions in my life so that I can focus on the "here and now." Plus, Drew doesn't use facebook nearly... ever. So, I think that as a family we need to focus on our representation of ourselves.

Now I'm just rambling. If anyone wants to continue to stay in touch the old-fashioned way with letters, emails and Christmas cards, please let me know. You can follow our happens here (I'm going to try to keep up with this better...) or email us at thepelkeyflocks@gmail.com

Love you all... For all that you. xo