I didn't come this far to only come this far.

I started to write this yesterday but I was exhausted and hungry and confused. I know that after writing this I will start to organize my thoughts and feelings, but I think yesterday I was attempting to write this passage for my friends and family and not for me. I was trying to get the message to you all that I'm fine and I'll make it through... and while I know that that's true, I also know I needed a little more time to be vulnerable. Not surprisingly, I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up and I felt like everything surrounding my bed was dangerous. The floor was lava and if I wanted to survive, I could only do so if I didn't leave my bed. That's what depression feels like sometimes for me. The worst is when I feel so incapable of leaving bed, but I'm not physically comfortable IN bed. But I did wake up, I found solid ground. I texted the people I needed to in order to be a responsible adult and let them know that I just couldn't fulfill my adult duties today (internship). I had a good shower cry. I explained to my husband how I needed to be communicated with right now. And I decided the day will continue whether I like it or not. Now, when I look at the floor around me, I see some scattered dirty clothes, but not lava.

I'm not worried about me. And you should't be either. I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole... But I'm honestly the strongest person I know. I am intelligent, logical and practical. I understand the concept of science and I feel empowered when I possess the ability to plan. So, in addition to the confirmation that I cannot use my own biological eggs to produce a child, I was also given a definitive plan and was told that I am not working against a clock. 

Part of me is heart broken when I think about the emotional attachment that this kid won't be a part of me biologically... I won't see my eyes when I look down at him or her. I can't credit anything biological to my own DNA. But my intellect always prevails. If I decide to do IVF (which is the current plan), I will still carry my child in my womb. I will still give birth. I will still be it's mother. But, I also know that motherhood can come in a variety of forms. If we adopt or foster (which has always been something we wanted to do), I will still be a mother. I will be a great mother (and Drew a great father) no matter how we create a family. 

There are a lot of other emotions that I am having. I can't fucking believe that my body has failed me like this so many times. It's another invisible "illness" much like mono that I have to recover from, grieve for, and explain myself to others. I look fine. I act fine. People can't see my ovaries failing. They can't feel the emotional pain that I'm experiencing. And inevitably I will be asked if I'm currently pregnant (nope, just got fat from all the invisible medical woes I've experienced over the last 10 years) or when we will get pregnant (not until I can pay for robots to do it for me, bitch. Are you going to foot the bill? No? Shut up then). 

Money is also a huge stressor. Yes, I know kids cost a ton of money for the rest of your life. But now I have to think about saving thousands of dollars before I can even have the procedure take place. And what if it doesn't work the first time? Then I have to save thousands of dollars again to either try again or save for adoption. What about buying a house? What about paying off my student loans? What about the fact that I really need a new car so I can stop feeling physically hurt every time I have to drive to the millions of places I need to be in a day? Getting pregnant naturally (the act of actually getting pregnant, not the medical care afterward and not in the case of those couples who have fertility struggles) cost $0. In fact, you're saving money in some cases because you're not paying for condoms or other birth control method. So, it's infuriating to me to sit here and think about this fiscal conundrum I'm in. Save for a family or buy a house? Save for a family or pay off one of my many student loans? My stomach is in literal knots just thinking about it. 

I'm thinking about life after grad school. I'm thinking about how I really need to reduce stress, and that is a huge reason I will not be looking for school counseling positions, but rather will be staying with Delehoy College Counseling. I know the job, I love my boss and I have already put in the hours to at least start making a reputation for myself. I'm not starting from the ground up. But I am also thinking of other ways to make supplemental income. Whether that's selling stuff on etsy to help pay for some of these procedures or jumping in and trying my hand at selling LuLaRoe (their stuff is so cute and comfy!). Either way, my logical side and my emotional side or at total odds over the cost of all this and all of the other things we need to pay down (most notably, student loans. Can you tell I'm really nervous about my loans coming out of deferment?) 

Life is stupid. But I have really great and supportive friends and family. I thank you for that. Drew and I will create a family. We are happy and so in love with each other. And that is precious to me in this time of emotional turmoil. I have not given up hope. But I do know that the natural course of things just isn't going to happen for me. And I'm accepting that. 

Give me a diagnosis and I can create a plan. With a plan, I am unstoppable. 

2015 - Year in Review

Merry Christmas, everyone! As I sit down to write this, and really think about the year that we've had... I have my christmas tree lit, a dog by my side and another on the floor by my feet. I hear our two cats playing upstairs and I know that my husband is still asleep. Christmas has been simple this year at the Pelkey-Flocks. No pressure for gifts, but lots of holiday music and I'm sure we'll be watching Die Hard at some point today. We had Jan, Dave and Emily over last night for Christmas Eve dinner. We played a fun new game and by the time everyone went home, Drew came down with the stomach flu. So I expect it will be an easy day today.

The more I think about, the more I feel this year is replicating 2013. Car accident, Christmas flu, new house. The only redeeming factor about this year is that we both have jobs that we love (and Drew isn't working TWO jobs). New this year is that I had to take an incomplete in a class and even though I'm working on my health, I have a whole new set of worries and woes. I'm trying really hard to be positive so let's make that switch now, shall we?

We LOVE our new place. We've got some pictures hung on the wall finally. We have unpacked some dishes. It's starting to feel like ours. The location is WONDERFUL. It takes me roughly 15 minutes to get to BOTH internship sites. I can walk or ride the street car to PSU. I can come home before class. The dogs are happy. We live near our friends! The cats are happy! Everyone is happy! Except for my side mirror that got into a fight with the side of our garage. I may or may not have provoked that. The best part is that we are so in love with our apartment and our location that having a simple Christmas didn't mean having a depressing Christmas. I miss my family and friends who are far away, obviously.. But I'm happy and content with where I am and the things that I have here. I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. It's nice :)

School has been hard. Last year I took a lot of classes so that I wouldn't have to take as many this year. I worked my ass off last year to get everything done and I did so with feelings of accomplishment. But this year I realized that if I wasn't taking 9 credits a term, I wouldn't qualify for financial aid. So I have over loaded again this year and I'm feeling really worn out about it. The positive news is that even though my life is throwing me some major curve balls personally, and even though that has resulted in being distracted when it comes to school, I am still gaining a lot from my experiences. And I will get back on track and have a great last two terms of graduate school. 167 more days until graduation!

Things to look forward to in 2016:

- More answers about my health and our ability to have a child (or rather how to pursue parenthood)
- Birthday weekend in Vegas to celebrate Drew's 30th and my 29th!
- Graduation/working full time
- HOPEFULLY feeling well enough to finally ski on Mt Hood!
- Several Chicago weddings
- Finally settling the 2013 car accident.
- The continued support and empathy from my amazing friends and family. Seriously, the support has blown me away. And every time I start to feel sadness washing over me, I giggle at the silly meme someone has sent me or smile at the thoughtful gestures and kind words I've received over the last few weeks. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. You are the silver lining of 2015. Thank you!

I am broken. But I'm not fragile.

I started writing this as a facebook status, but then realized it's more complicated than that. And I also don't want to speak FOR Drew. And that's how it was coming out. Drew really isn't the type of person to word vomit all over the internet (though, obviously, he supports my decision to do so... most of the time ;) ) But I felt I needed to post a follow up.

First and foremost, THANK YOU for the overwhelming support! It was actually overwhelming, honestly... But in the best kind of way. And I don't think words are enough to express just about grateful I am for all of you, all of the kind words, and all of the honest to goodness support. I think (I know) I have the tendency to grit my teeth and bare it... I have always had a lot of stress and obstacles in my life and I'm always very reluctant to ask for help. I'm so glad I went out of my comfort zone and just laid it all on the table. The response has been inspiring. So again, thank you.

This is such a vulnerable experience. The act of giving birth is such a uniquely woman experience. And as you all know I am a huge supporter of the right to choose parenthood (or not), it was a huge shock to hear that my body had decided that I was the enemy again. BUT -- I am not and never have been fragile. I am honestly the toughest person I know. And I am even stronger since having a partner like Drew. We are going to fight this battle head on in the best possible way for us as a family. And having the love and support of our friends and extended family is the best gift we could get this holiday season. Things are going to be emotional, but please don't feel like I'm one facebook pregnancy announcement away from a mental break. I'm not.

And most importantly... Remember I have ALWAYS had an inappropriate sense of humor. That's part of the reason many of you adore me so ;) So when I post things about shriveled up ovaries, just know that it's may way of coping. It's not me saying I'm hopeless. If I'm feeling hopeless and depressed I'll say so (because in addition to having an inappropriate sense of humor, I'm also extremely direct). But otherwise, it's just a sarcastic/hilarious way for me to deal. Laughter is the best medicine, right?







As for a medical update:

- I finally got my test results from Women's Health Care Associates. They never mailed them to me like I asked and then gave me the run around for two days, both on the phone and at the office. But I finally got them. Guess who explained what I was looking at? MY CHIROPRACTOR. Shout out to all the fabulous chiropractors I've had and a super awesome shout out to Therapia in Portland. WONDERFUL group of ladies (chiropractic, massage and acupuncture) who collaborate with each other and the client to do some amazing holistic medicine. LOVE THEM. Go see them!

- My chiropractor pointed out that although my EDL levels are low, they did go up the second time they did the blood draw. AND, the first blood draw was two days after my car accident. I have another friend who is looking at the test results from an experienced lens. I'm not actually as worried about it as I was before. Not to say that I'm DEFINITELY convinced I'm going to get pregnant. I'm just realizing it's not the whole picture.

- I'm going to a naturalpath tomorrow who works with crystals and other weird things I'd never consider in a million years. But, she was suggested to me by a teacher at one of my internship sites. So I'll give it a go.

- Our insurance seems to cover some costs of infertility. Not really sure how much, but some of it. So that's a relief.

- Doctors are assholes when they abuse their power and forget they are talking to humans.

Baby Making Time!

Today I was surprised with an interesting appointment on my calendar. It read "Baby Making Time!" Obviously, I had put this in my calendar months ago... Possibly even a year ago. It makes sense... Drew and I have been together for nine years. He's turning 30 this February, I'm finishing grad school in June. Natural progression of a family, right?

Wrong.

Had I known that appointment was there, it wouldn't have filled me with such sadness. I would have deleted it (or had Drew delete it for me). It wouldn't have messed with my grieving process so much.

Drew and I have been crazy for the past few weeks. I was rear ended again, we were moving, I'm in internship, we've been without internet for over a week. Holidays, work.. whatever else there is... It's been happening. But, what was unexpected was a phone call from my doctor the day after Thanksgiving telling me that she thinks it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to get pregnant. Let's back up a minute... Mind you, I had not been concerned about this. I had gone in to discuss the fact that I've had irregular periods and that I thought since I had lost a ton of weight (30+ lbs) that I would, in fact, have more regular periods. They did a blood draw. Called me back in a few days later to do another blood draw with no information about the first. Then she called me on the day after Thanksgiving. Drew and I were on the Oregon Coast with his family. She used scary words like "specialist" and "Ovarian Failure." And my personal favorite "early menopause." Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. I hung up the phone, stunned and heartbroken. I've been having a panic attack ever since.

Since then, tears continue to be shed, pessimist jokes have been shared where Drew and I exchange awkward looks about whether we should laugh, cry or hug each other. Great conversations have been had with friends. And appointments with specialists have been made for the near future (but yet still feels like an eternity). Anger, frustration, self-pity and self-loathing have all been flooding through me. I have started anti-depressants and I have been at a loss for anything productive, coherent or focused. I've been feeling like I've been drowning in my school work, home life, paid work and personal responsibilities. I feel tinges of self-sabotage. I'm sure I gained a million pounds back after my triumphant losses. And I've stopped regularly taking medicines that have been helping me stay healthy (not because I want to.. but that I can't find the head space to keep track of it all). Feelings of hopelessness have clung to me like the dampness that has been plaguing Portland for the past two weeks.

I know that so far this post has been extremely depressing. And I own that. I need a place to grieve and this is where I decided to take that space. I need a place to share my experiences, and again, this is the place I have decided to do that. I know not all is lost, but I'm in a very scary place right now. And, as my cousin pointed out to me, this sucks because I did everything right. I found a nice human being to share my life with, I waited until we were out of college and financially stable (mostly?). I used to be a Planned Parenthood Peer Mentor, for god's sake! So, yes, I'm feeling a lot of "woe is me." And I'm not going to apologize for that.

BUT -- I have amazing, knowledgable friends. Friends who have shared their own stories of struggle with me. Or put me in touch with another friend who had similar experiences. I have friends who are a wealth of knowledge and have provided me with information on other health issues that may actually be the cause of my situation instead of actually being in menopause. I have a husband who holds me at night and tells me I'm beautiful. Who knows damn well that we'll be parents regardless of whether it's through pregnancy or adoption or fostering. A husband who does not feel cheated by my short comings --- and never for one second makes me feel like they are short comings to begin with. I am so thankful for all of these things.

So this is my journey. Please join me if you care to keep up with the inner working of me... literally. Our next steps include:

• acupuncture (already in progress)
• appointments with specialists
• General midwife appointment with OHSU is on December 22nd. I imagine that they are just going to send me for additional tests which won't be able to happen until after the holidays
• Fertility specialist appointment at OHSU is on January 21st. I imagine that more tests and ultrasounds will be done shortly after this appointment. 
• changing our diet. It was suggested to me that my symptoms also sound like an autoimmune disease. As I continued to research, I agree. One article I read mentioned that having mono will often times mess with your system. I've had mono twice and ever since I've been a mess of illness and imperfect health. Since seeing a physician in Portland I have been treated for pre-diabetes and a thyroid condition. This has helped me lose weight and gain more energy but it is not enough. And, I'd rather address the entire problem than to be on multiple medications for the rest of my life treating isolated pieces. Sunday we will begin a long journey of eating even more strictly thank the whole 30 diet. By continuing to research autoimmune diseases, I learned that I shouldn't eat eggs (among other things). Which is one of the primary sources of protein I am used to making for myself. No wonder eggs always make me feel so tired. 
• De-stressing. Stress is rampant in my life right now. My heart races at such rates that I feel like it's trying to punch me in the face. I need to eliminate some of it. By moving to Portland, I have a much better commute. That has already helped decrease some of my stress with internship by allowing me to be in the car less and have a little more time to get ready in the morning. Next stop: unpacking our house, being more organized, and getting back to coloring at night and writing letters to the people I love. 

A warm, special thank you to my friends and family who have been so supportive already -- even if you haven't had the full picture of what is going on. You continue to make me feel loved and that is the biggest gift I could be given at this point in time. Happy Holidays to you all and keep your fingers crossed for answers and the best news (which may or may not be that I can get pregnant, but really... solving the hot flashes before I kill someone would be great. Additionally -- special supportive shout out to all the ladies in the world with hot flashes. This shit sucks.) 

Today I met a man named John.

What do you see when a person is standing on the corner with a sign asking for help?

Poverty affects me every day in a lot of ways. I believe growing up in poverty has made me a more compassionate person and helps me create a path for my life, a life that I'm proud to live. There is a lot of stigma surrounding poverty... a lot of guilt, a lot of feelings of failure and shame... And honestly, it's a very odd situation I find myself in to be so ingrained in the culture of the "have nots," but to look like and physically be extremely distanced from the struggle. I am a white female, from Connecticut, who attended private high school, a private college and is not seeking her masters degree. There are a lot of feelings of shame, guilt, and failure on this side of the fence too.

Every day I feel. I don't judge (or at least I try my hardest not to). Portland, OR has a huge population of homeless citizens. And every day I struggle. I struggle to figure out if I should avoid eye contact, how guilty I should feel for only having 53 cents in my wallet to give, feeling guilty for not volunteering enough, feeling overwhelmed by not being able to help enough... or in the right way. What good will 53 cents do for this person anyway? I'm going to pull over and stop traffic and make this person feel guilty for also stopping traffic and feeling ashamed for taking and needing the 53 cents... Oh thank god, a green light... the decision has been made for me.

I have been inspired not only by the strength of those people who have helped me become the person I am today and afforded me shelter, food, clothing, love, opportunities to participate... These people include my mom, other family members, friends, teachers, coaches, strangers... Because of you all I never had to fear homelessness, hunger, safety... I was able to attain my most valuable possession -- my education. People helped in huge ways, in small ways, in ways they'll never even realize... And still, with all of this evidence, I find myself believing that as a stranger... my small gesture of help is not enough and will not matter.

This story isn't about me though. This story is about John. I have seen John since I moved to Tigard in the summer of 2013. He stands on a median on HWY 99 near the on ramp for I-5. He holds a sign that reads "Laid Off. Anything Helps." He has blue eyes.

John is on the median in the rain, in the cold, in the heat, in the sun, and then again, because this is Oregon, in the rain. I have given him what I had a few times, and he's not the only person holding a sign that I've ever given money to... But one cold day my heart grew intensely for him. I only had about 75 cents in my wallet -- I rarely have cash on me these days. I held my hand out the window and I was having an inner dialogue "Do I look at him? Do I say hi? Do I smile? How do I come off as warmly as possible without making him feel bad?" I dropped the coins in his hand and felt the bitter cold of his skin. In that same moment our eyes met and I saw the extreme sincerity and extreme shame in his eyes. He clearly and genuinely said "Thank You" and I drove off. I couldn't stop thinking about him, his determination... his HARD WORK. Later that day, before heading to work, I developed a plan. I googled the best place to park to bring him lunch, hummed and hawed over what would be appropriate for him, how he liked his coffee and if people would donate less to him if they saw he hand starbucks in his hand. I gathered some non-parishable food items from my pantry, some cold weather attire and a card that I planned to place a $20 bill in that I had intentionally gone to the bank for, just for him. I wrote in that card that I understand the conflict he must feel and that most importantly -- I SEE HIM.

On my way to work I didn't see him. He wasn't there. And for the next few days I didn't see him. I threw away the old sandwich, dumped out the coffee and eventually when my husband asked me if I had cash on me... I took the cash out of John's card and gave it to Drew. A few days later I also gave the bag of food to a different homeless man because as the guilt of spending John's $20 ate at me... So did the idea that I ear marked everything for John and not just anyone in need.

Days went by... I avoided that median. I thought of plans to get there and give him lunch like I had originally planned. I was embarrassed by my card to him and ultimately I believe I just shredded it. I knew my husband didn't really understand why this was affecting me so much. I didn't try to explain it either. I tried to figure out John's schedule. Tried to rationalize my feelings of guilt and shame, while also trying to address with myself why I felt such a need to follow through.

For the last few days I have ear marked a $10 bill for John. No food, no grander gesture. I have made it a priority to get this $10 to him. I have altered my route home. I have been keeping mental notes of when I drive by and either see him or don't. And I have also had a larger conversation with myself about why I want to follow through. But I will get to that in a minute.

Today! Today I saw John. He was not at his median... but rather catching a bus. With the minimal working knowledge I have of Tri-Met, I figured he was going to be getting off at the Tigard Transit station. Knowing I have a lot to do today... I hummed and hawed again about whether I should go there and finally say hello and introduce myself. Not only was I considering my time and convenience, I was also considering his level of shame and willingness to accept my help out of his normal context.

Eventually, I said fuck it and got out of my own way. I met John at the transit center and as he got off his bus I called to him... "Sir? ..... Sir???" Understandably, he wasn't expecting anyone to be calling to him. And a little beside myself... I wasn't sure what to do next. He finally turned around and I started rambling. I explained that I see him a lot (something I probably should have worded differently) and how I've stopped before (not necessary to the conversation) but I just wanted to meet him and see how else I can help. I told him about the time I tried to get him lunch and he (understandably) didn't know how to respond.

He looked confused and in disbelief. He said "I'm sorry, you caught me off guard." I told him I understand and asked him if he was busy or if I could take him to lunch. He explained that right now he's staying at a shelter until the end of February (the coldest part of the winter) but was working on getting housing. The shelter provides lunch and that's where he was going. I asked if there was any other way that I could help. He stammered (as if "what the hell could I help with?) I explained a few things about myself but that I'm training to be a counselor and I would love to help get him in touch with resources... In between all of this I found out that his name was John. He apologized to me that I see him so much. He expressed how humiliating it is to be there. I patted his arm and I said that I believe what he is doing takes bravery, hard work and dedication. He stood there... took my name and number and looked up at the sky. "Where did you come from?" He asked as he walked away. I went back to my car and I wept for his shame and for the stigma that is attached to the idea of needing help.

When I see a person asking for help... Whether it's with a cardboard sign, negative behavior, or completely non-verbal... I don't see someone who is weak. I see someone who deserves humanity and kindness. I struggle with my privilege and how that may transfer on to someone else... but at the end of the day I believe that small gestures do help enough. And that by believing the contrary, many people with small contributions who can ultimately make a big difference, are missing their opportunity.

I know now that that man is John. And he takes his coffee black. And he tries to hurry off that median as fast as he can because of his shame. But his perseverance helps give him the strength to get the help he needs. John may never call me or email me... He may never explicitly ask for my help. But I am going to keep rolling down my window with my 53 cents and take an opportunity to get him his coffee (black) and find resources that may help him with his greater needs.

If anyone knows anything about housing for the homeless in Portland or shelters in the SW area that go beyond the winter months... And any aid and services information that you can find that may help him, please let me know.

2014 in review

Well... I wanted to send out Christmas cards but things got a little too busy with school and a trip to CT and FL. I thought we might send New Years cards instead.. But honestly, I kept forgetting about New Years in general. So here you go.. A blog post.

2014 held a lot of exciting events. After ending 2013 with a car accident and the flu, really up was our only option!

Let's see.. Drew and I both got new jobs!

 In addition to being in school full time (half way done! June 2016 = graduation!)  I started working at a part time Independent College Counselor for Delehoy College Counseling. Working for Eric and DCC couldn't be better and after my stint working as a personal assistant to a witch of a drunk makes me beyond grateful to have such an amazing boss. I'm learning a ton and I get to focus on the parts of college counseling that I enjoy most! The relationships and focus on true fit. The best part is that I can still focus on school and be appreciated for my work.

Drew now works for a company called Technolutions. He has a big fancy office in downtown Portland. The building itself is a bully (see this article to find out why), but has gorgeous view! 

Technolutions created a product called Slate which is a tool for college admissions offices. Although Slate was implemented at Knox after I left, I hear it's a pretty effective and amazing tool. Drew spent his last 2ish years at Knox implementing Slate. As we moved to Portland, so did Technolutions. They opened a Portland office even though ironically they're home office is in New Haven, CT (small world!). He really enjoys working for Technolutions and his Portland co-workers are all adorably dorky so Drew fits in really well. We also were able to take a trip to New Haven to meet the rest of his co-workers who were all darling people and we had an incredible time! Luckily for me, I was able to see my friends and family, too! 

So, Drew and I have been able to visit New Haven a few times this year! I've gotten to see my family, friends and have amazing pizza! One of my favorite trips consisted of meeting Chase for the first time! It's incredible that a friend that I made in 5th grade now has her own child... Sometimes I'm shocked that we're old enough to be at this stage in our lives... But my newest nephew is such a sweet heart and I'm so in love. 

This year also brought us amazing visitors. Who knew that Portland would be a more desirable vacation destination than Galesburg, IL? Here are just a few of our lovely visitors: 

I saw my brother for the first time in 5 years. And he's like a real life adult now. Weird. 

This last one never left! Welcome to Portland, Alana!

Additionally, our darling friends Tim and Jaimie have gotten engaged and we will be helping them down the aisle in October! 

2014 was not without it's less than amazing points... but they all had happy endings! 

Lily developed a bad case of teenaged acne. We found out that she is allergic to metal bowls. The acne has now cleared up. 

Milo had a near death experience as we learned he had a urinary blockage. He is now on a special diet. 

Epsilon also developed allergies and his new food was the reason for Milo's near death experience. Now he has to eat his meals alone in the bathroom. 

Mosby survived knee surgery! He is doing well and by February he will be as recovered as he'll ever be. He's excited to get back out there and run. 

Our luggage was also broken on our way to our honeymoon, costing us $200+ that we weren't refunded to replace... BUT... That means we FINALLY went on our honeymoon to the Dominican Republic! 

2015 we are focusing on health and happiness now more than ever. In August, Drew and I will be running our first half marathon! My back is healed up enough to start training and Drew isn't working two jobs so he finally has some time to join me. 

We wish all of our friends and family a happy, healthy and joyous 2015! <3 

Challenging the idea that "Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels"

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels -- a quote that I gobbled up (see what I did there?) when I unsuccessfully tried my hand at Weight Watchers. A quote that I see on countless facebook posts, tweets and "Fitsperation" memes. It's taken me a long time to realize, but this quote is complete crap. And not for the reasons you might think.

I don't open up a lot about my weight struggles. Especially on social media. I guess I have always felt that by talking about it -- even if that means celebrating a pound lost -- that I'd be broadcasting to the world that I'm fat. That *maybe* if I avoided the topic, no one would notice. But let's face it... I'm a little too big to hide in plain sight. Funny how I have felt more and more invisible the more space my physical (m)ass actually takes up in the world.

I don't really talk about my struggles, my discontent, my sorrow or even more recently my successes and accomplishments to my close friends. I guess I believe, whether it's true or not, that by talking about it even with loved ones, I am putting them in an awkward position of choosing their response. Do they give me the "you're not fat" speech? The empathetic look that inevitably shows so much pity? Because really, as much as I avoid talking about my weight, many my friends and family (thankfully?) avoid acknowledging it too. Even my own husband varies between "you're not fat" and avoiding my complaints all together and moving on to the next subject. It took showing him THIS amazing clip from Louis C.K.'s  "And so did the fat lady"episode of Louie to finally realize that saying "You're not fat" is NOT a compliment. It's a flat out lie. And being blatantly lied to by the person you love most in this world is a truly devastating experience, no matter how good the intention.

I have gone through all of the emotions that surround being obese. Denial, self-pity, self-loathing, avoidance, blame and finger pointing, jealousy, shame... everything but acceptance and definitely no where near love for myself and my body. And there are a million reasons that I can list that I feel have contributed to my weight gain: getting mono (twice), growing up without proper nutritional education, COLLEGE CAFETERIAS, my addiction to potato products, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder (and all of the ups and downs that comes along with that), living in a remote area for 8 years...

It's taken a year since moving to Portland to finally feel *ready* to commit to a change. I have tried "going paleo" on and off for probably 3 years now. I have tried and failed many times at the Whole 30 program. But nearly one year after the move from Illinois to Oregon, nearly one year into my graduate program and six months post-car accident, Drew and I have embarked on the most successful Whole 30 trial yet! Day 10! Going strong.

And as I started thinking about Day 10 and the eating rules that the Whole 30 strongly suggest, I started wondering why it was so hard for me before. And as I thought about the amazing steak that I have waiting for me for lunch, I thought of that quote "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Uhmm... That steak tastes pretty freakin' good. And there is a 100% possibility that I'll still be eating similar steaks when I reach my goal weight.

It's Day 10 and I honestly don't feel deprived at all. In fact, what I feel is disgust. Disgust at how many times I've gone through the McDonalds drive thru KNOWING how awful I think it actually tastes and how disappointed I would be after consuming that "food." Not just because I know how bad it is for me... But because I honestly don't like it. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of emotion. As a friend pointed out on my instagram yesterday... It's been 10 days and I'm eating like a king! AND noticing changes within myself. I am sleeping better, my skin is (slowly) clearing up, I've noticed that my neck is thinning out (the first sign of me losing weight without hopping on a scale to confirm). But most of all... I feel POWERFUL. I feel like I've taken my life back. Will I still struggle with cravings? Yes. Will I still long for the convenience of a drive thru and someone else preparing my food? Probably. I'm a millennial and from Connecticut... I am used to being able to pay someone to give me what I want, when I want it, as long as I have the financial means to do so (which I don't have the financial means... I'm a poor grad student. So there's that.) BUT I'm gaining so much more! I'm gaining confidence in the kitchen. I'm gaining invaluable time management and preparation skills. I'm gaining my self-confidence back.

I am powerful. I am capable. I have had A LOT of set backs within the last 9 years, but it's definitely time to take control of the situation. There is a lot of pain and sadness that goes along with the realization that it's been almost a decade struggle. A cycle of extreme emotional response to the life set backs I experienced while in college. But this struggle will not define me. I have too many other things going for me to allow myself to feel muted by my weight. I love myself too much to kill myself with the poisonous foods I have been addicted to for my whole life. I am too smart to keep treating my one and only body like this. And frankly, eating this well TASTES SO GOOD.

So, Kate Moss, you're so wrong. There is so much more life left to taste! You can be healthy and celebrate good food without extreme fear of weight gain. So in 20 days, I'm going to have my paleo-friendly cake and eat it too. But I'm going to keep eating like a king and treating myself like a queen. I deserve good things. I deserve health. I deserve happiness. And I am well on my way to achieving it!